


Of Treachery and Forgiveness

by Elveny



Series: Feels like Destiny [7]
Category: Star Wars Legends: The Old Republic, swtor - Fandom
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Coming Back, F/M, Forgiveness, Friendship, Gen, Heartbreak, Iokath, Jedi, Nathema, Self-Doubt, Sith, Tenderness, Treachery
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-08-09
Updated: 2018-10-12
Packaged: 2018-12-13 10:00:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 5,284
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11757465
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Elveny/pseuds/Elveny
Summary: A Jedi Knight who decides to work with the Sith Empire and a traitor that wasn't one - leading the Alliance was never something Jiune expected to be easy. But she also didn't expect that the difference between light and dark would be so hard to see sometimes.





	1. Doubt

It was like a tug at the corner of her mind. Lana stopped, a hand automatically going towards the hilt of her lightsaber. She looked around with narrowed eyes, searching the area. But despite her attunement to the Force which had alerted her to the presence near her it took her a few minutes until she discovered the small figure at the edge of the platform, halfway hidden behind a speeder.

Lana blinked surprised as she recognized her.

"Commander?"

She got no response but she thought she saw a small movement and after hesitating for a second, she went over.

"Commander, are you alright?" she asked again, a hint of worry creeping into her voice. Jiune's face was motionless, half hidden beneath her hood, her hands clasped within the cloak's sleeves. Lana tried to follow what her friend was looking at but there was nothing special beneath them - just the endless rows of buildings, towers and streets of Iokath losing themselves in the darkness. Her eyes went back to the Jedi's face and was just about to ask a third time when Jiune spoke in a small but earnest voice, finally looking up at her friend.

"Lana, am I turning into a Sith?"

Lana sputtered in surprise, not able to completely suppress the astonished laugh.

"What? You? Hardly."

The question seemed even more absurd when Jiune looked like the perfect picture of a Jedi in her robes, hands clasped, hood up, her face so calm as to nearly be serene.

"What in the stars makes you ask that? Is that why you hide out here?"

Something stirred in the Commander's face and her eyes flickered back to the darkness beneath them. Her nod was nearly imperceptible. Lana sighed.

"You know, for someone who worked with me for so long, you still have a surprisingly weird concept of being Sith in your mind," she said somewhat dryly.

Jiune closed her eyes for a second, a half smile flickering over her lips that disappeared as quickly as it had come. "It's just…" she started before she took a deep breath, as if waking of a dream. She looked at Lana and only now could the Sith see the sadness in her eyes. "It seems like I give up more and more of what it means to be Jedi. And now I even turned against the Republic. The one thing I never wanted to do."

"I had wondered about that," Lana confessed. "Why did you?"

Jiune's face hardened but the sadness did not vanish from her eyes. Something bothered her deeply, Lana could see it. Still, she listened without interrupting.

"I never wanted to be the leader of this Alliance, never. I did it because you and Theron asked me to and because Senya and Koth backed you. I did it because it seemed a valid option at the time - we had the resources to help rebuild what Valkorion had destroyed and we did. I did it to show both the Republic and the Empire that working together - Jedi and Sith, Force users and people who aren't - benefits everyone. Aren't the two of us the best proof? And Marr and Satele and everything we did, all of us?"

Lana didn't quite understand where the Commander was heading but she nodded. Their combining forces had been a massive step she had never regretted.

Jiune mirrored Lana's nod and continued. "I had thought that our achievements would speak for themselves. And when Acina offered to ally with us, I was convinced it had worked and that offering the same to the Republic would only be a formality. Instead, Saresh tried to kill me and take over the Alliance. Afterwards, nobody answered our diplomatic advances and we were sort of busy with… well, everything. Not even the Council tried to contact me, despite so many Jedi working with us. I mean, we had Sith and Jedi and Zakuulans training together, not a single incident apart from some harsh language!"

Lana cleared her throat but didn't say anything. This certainly wasn't the time to tell the Commander that certain reports hadn't reached her since. There really was no need for the Commander of the Eternal Alliance to get involved in petty fights with broken noses and injured pride. That everyone was on their best behavior when the Commander trained or meditated with them was no surprise.

Thankfully, Jiune did for once not seem to notice Lana's momentary uncomfortableness and continued: "I was so certain the Republic would flock to our side, making the Eternal Alliance the first true hope of a lasting peace between everyone in ages. Instead, I got silence, attempted murder and now, suddenly, an ultimatum with the clear statement to use a superweapon in a war?! No. I could not stand for that. Acina on the other hand - she had honored our alliance so far, apart from this approach towards this weapon. Which is not something I'll forget but she didn't really give me a reason to doubt her continued commitment to our alliance. So I honored our alliance as well and it seemed the right decision at the moment. I acted as the Commander of the Eternal Alliance, protecting our allies against a third party who had so far never cooperated with us but only worked against us."

"I agree," Lana nodded. This was precisely why she had supported the decision to aid the Empire. Jiune just looked at her and suddenly, pure desperation was on her face. She pushed her hood back and tore at her hair, starting to pace. The sleeves of her robes fell back to reveal the bandages where the burns from the sabotage were still healing.

"Lana, I am a Jedi. A Jedi! And I chose the Sith Empire over the Republic. I killed my sistren and brethren in battle to protect Sith. What if this means that… maybe Valkorion did influence me more than I thought."

"Commander."

"Maybe I did not come back as unscathed as I thought from back when he had me completely under his control or when he controlled my dreams in carbonite, maybe he isn't actually d-"

"Jiune!"

Lana had grabbed her friend's arm and forced her to look at her. Her voice was very calm and determined as she spoke, emphasizing every word. "Jiune. Stop. Now. Valkorion is dead. He is not coming back."

The Jedi's voice was barely audible. "I'm not sure if that doesn't make it worse."

Lana sighed. Sometimes dealing with this sort of righteousness wore on her.

"Listen. Focus. Did you chose the Empire over the Republic because you want to destroy the Republic? Did you do it for personal gain?" Jiune shook her head. "For power? For money? No? Then why does honoring an alliance and working and fighting with your allies - after trying to make them sit down and talk about it, mind you - make you the bad guy?"

"Because now another devastating war seems inevitable and my dreams of Republic and Empire working together are all but shattered," Jiune said very quietly. The sadness was back in her eyes.

"Do you honestly think that would be different if you chose the Republic?"

Jiune shrugged and shook her head nearly at the same time. She looked down at her hands again. "Probably not, no. But at least Theron's father wouldn't be dead."

Ah. Understanding dawned on Lana's face and she nodded.

"Ah. Well. From all I know about Jace Malcolm, it was just a matter of time before his recklessness killed him. And as far as I remember, you tried to talk him down repeatedly, warning him of the dangers and everything, right?"

"I suppose," Jiune murmured.

Lana took one of Jiune's hand and held it firmly. "You are not the warmonger here. Everyone with a lick of sense can see that. And you are not turning Sith, my friend. I promise."

Something of the sadness in Jiune's face vanished and she gave Lana a small smile. "Thank you."

"Any time."

Lana gestured towards the lights that marked their temporary base in Iokath and looked at the Commander with an unasked question. Jiune nodded and for a moment they walked back towards the base in silence, before Lana asked: "Did you talk to Theron about this?"

Jiune shook her head, not looking up. Like every time the Jedi's emotions ran high, Lana could feel them emanating from her friend and she knew"Not yet. He is still mourning. I didn't want to impose."

"You feel guilty," Lana stated and Jiune nodded.

"How can I not?" she asked quietly. "Even though I did not kill him personally and yes, as you stated, did warn him of the dangers, it was my decision that drove him to do that."

"But it was still his deed, not yours."

"Which is exactly why I don't hold it against you." Theron's voice made them both stop and turn towards him.

"Theron! How are you?" Jiune asked and held a hand out towards him tentatively. Lana could see the relief in her friend when Theron took her hand and hugged her close, pressing a kiss on her brow. The gesture alone spoke volumes and Lana couldn't help but lift an eyebrow. They were both normally much more restrained when it came to showing affection in public.

"As well as can be expected," he answered and gave Lana an acknowledging nod. "But I could ask the same. When you weren't resting as you're supposed to do, I worried. Everything all right?"

"No," Jiune said quietly with a shrug. "How can it be after such a day?"

"Yeah," Theron murmured, closing his arms around the Commander a bit more tightly. "But at least we have each other."


	2. Coming Home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Theron seemed so uncomfortable as he looked around the small apartment that it hurt in her very heart and she forced herself to breathe deeply and slowly. She had looked forward to welcoming him back here but the way he shifted on his feet, his shoulders tight, seemed to suggest that he wanted nothing more than to leave again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For the prompt "It’s late. Shouldn’t you be asleep?"  
> Post-Nathema

She wasn’t there when he woke.

He had a faint memory of her and Lana carrying him back to the shuttle, of a cool hand on his cheek, of a soothing voice and her presence but the details had gotten lost in the haze of pain and angst that followed the wounds he suffered. The fact alone that Jiune and Lana hadn’t hesitated in rescuing him still woke a sense of wonder in Theron. It wasn’t what he deserved after everything he had put them through.

And yet, here he was. The sickbay obviously was the one in the Command Center on Odessen, the faces of the few nurses and doctors that worked in the background at this late hour familiar. But it wasn’t just them, the whole _feeling_ of his surroundings woke something in him that he had carefully tucked away this whole time.

The longing for being home.

Now he was.

Theron took a deep breath to control the wave of emotion that threatened to overwhelm him. But he wasn’t quite home yet. Not before he hadn’t talked to Jiune. To see if there was something to be salvaged. He did not dare to hope for reconciliation but maybe… just maybe… he would get something beside the hostility his actions surely warranted. Or, in Jiune’s case, the detached Jedi-y professionalism she reserved for those not close to her.

When he sat up, Theron realized he wasn’t alone after all.

“So. Back, are you?” Koth sat up in his chair as well, putting a data pad to the side.

“Yeah,” Theron said, running a hand over his neck somewhat embarrassed. “I guess so.”

Koth just looked at him, then shook his head, a slow smile in the corner of his mouth. “Heard about the whole thing from Lana. So the Commander was right about you being undercover after all, huh.”

Theron blinked and nodded. “I was. I couldn’t tell anyone because… well. But yes.” There was more to say, so much more, but somehow, words didn’t seem to be enough to encompass this whole crazy endeavor, this charade he had to uphold these long months. It wasn’t like he didn’t know how it was to work undercover but it had been the first time that he had to actively act against people he cared about without them knowing about it. He didn’t regret it, it had been necessary - but that did not make it easier.

Koth indicated towards him with his head. “That the reason for this stupid haircut?”

Theron’s hand flew to his hair, and he spluttered something incoherent as he self-consciously patted over the shorn rows. “I… well… it’s - it’s not stupid!” He finally managed and Koth laughed loudly. Theron cleared his throat as his friend - was he still his friend? - slowly reigned in his amusement. It didn’t really matter after all, it was not like he wanted to keep this look. It had been necessary to become someone other than Theron Shan, Idiot Spy Boyfriend of the Commander of the Alliance. So he had changed his look to become Theron Shan,Traitor to the Alliance. And every day that he looked in the mirror reminded him of who he was supposed to be. But that was not something easily explained. Instead, he focussed on something else that Koth had said and when he spoke, he was not able to completely keep the hope out of his voice. “So, she suspected I was undercover?”

“Suspected? She believed it. Believed in you. It was the only thing that held her upright if you ask me.”

“Koth, I’m sorry.”

“Yeah, well, it sucked. But honestly, at the moment all I care about is that you are back. That she was right about you. It would’ve killed her had you really turned traitor and I mean that literally.”

Theron didn’t know what to say as his heart clenched at the sudden seriousness in Koth’s voice. Koth gave him a grave look as he leaned forward, putting both arms on his knees. “After Iokath, when it turned out that the thing she had so long worked for, that alliance between Republic and Empire and Zakuul, just fell apart she was already barely holding it together, questioning everything she did, everything _we_ did. And then when you… I thought she’d give up. Seriously. But she didn’t. Instead she made that trust in you, that belief that you were not actually a traitor, hadn’t actually tried to kill her and Lana and all that, her strength. Lana had her rage, Jiune had her trust. She believed in you because she _needed_ to believe in you. The alternative just wasn’t… actually there was no alternative for her. You damn near broke her, man.”

There was a long silence and when Theron found he could speak again, he had to clear his voice several times before his voice was recognizable. “She told you all this?”

Koth scoffed. “Nah. You know how she is. But she’s my friend. I can read her better than she likes to think.”

“Yeah, I know how she is,” Theron murmured with a small fond smile on his face and pushed himself off the bed. He still felt sore but otherwise surprisingly good considering how badly hurt he had been. The pain wasn’t half as bad as he had feared it would be. Koth crossed his arms as Theron cringed.

“I’d tell you that you probably shouldn’t get up yet but then again it’s you,” he said, getting up as well and Theron grinned, something in him easing at the way Koth treated him. He had missed this, this familiarity and easiness. The last months he hadn’t been able to let up a single moment, always scrutinized and scrutinizing and grave.

He was sure there would be something of that there, too. There had to be and he wasn’t exactly looking forward to what Lana would have to say to him. But it seemed Koth at least had decided not to make it harder than it already was and Theron was deeply thankful for this.

“I don’t suppose my quarters are still… empty?” he asked haltingly and his friend gave him a short shake of the head.

“Not if you mean that room you used to sleep in twice? Max? No. That one was redistributed quickly. The Commander took everything that was still in there to her room. By the way, she’s there now. I send her away to get some sleep but if I know her at all, she’s probably working.”

Theron looked sceptically at Koth but the Zakuulan just grinned and put his arm around Theron’s shoulders. “Good to have you back, man. I’m gonna yell at you some in the near future but right now I’m good.”

It was not long after that Theron found himself in front of Jiune’s quarters, his stomach clenching into a hard lump and his heart beating nervously. For a few minutes he debated if he should knock or just turn around and find one of the guest quarters but then again… what good would it do to delay the inevitable?

He knocked.

The answer was near immediate and sent his heart into overdrive.

“Come in, Theron.”

 

Jiune didn’t even have to check the familiar pattern of his presence in the Force to know that it was Theron. She had heard his steps as he neared and had known it was him, could see the way he moved before her eyes. It was still surreal, having him back, knowing he was back on Odessen and so far, no amount of meditation had helped her calm the storm of emotion raging inside her. Fear, happiness, grief, all mixed together in a weird, overwhelming way. But then, it was difficult to focus with Theron being unconscious and hurt and _here_.

She had sat by his bed until Koth had chased her away when Theron had been out of danger and unconsciousness had eased into a healing sleep. “Go get some sleep. And a shower and new clothes. I’ll send him to you when he’s up and about.”

She had taken Koth’s advice and cleaned herself up before she had tried to go through her meditation practices and failed miserably. Instead she had started to catch up on work, for she knew she wouldn’t be able to sleep this night but if she tried to go back to sickbay, Koth would have her hide. “He won’t be up before tomorrow anyway,” had been his words. But it seemed he had been wrong. Jiune had hoped that she would be back at his side when he finally woke - but then, that was Theron for you. He was not someone to do what was good for him but intent of pushing through, no matter what.

 

When the door opened, she stood up from where she had worked, instinctively taking a step towards him as he slowly, haltingly came inside and closed the door behind him. But when she saw his apprehensive face, she stopped, suddenly self-conscious herself. It had been so long and, while they had dealt with prolonged absences before - she congratulated herself on the understatement - it had never been quite this… complicated. Even her disappearance had been a seemingly clear fact: she had been proclaimed dead. And everything that had happened had not been her choice.

But this - this had been his choice.

What if it had changed more than intended?

The silence threatened to stretch into a strained, deafening sound and Jiune was at a loss what to say. Theron seemed so uncomfortable as he looked around the small apartment that it hurt in her very heart and she forced herself to breathe deeply and slowly. She had looked forward to welcoming him back here but the way he shifted on his feet, his shoulders tight, seemed to suggest that he wanted nothing more than to leave again.

 

Just when she was to tell him that he did not need to stay if he preferred not to, he broke the silence, a small smile in the corner of his lips as he indicated the data pads that lay on the table.

“It’s late. Shouldn’t you be asleep?” he asked and for a second, Jiune did not know what to answer, her eyes going to the data pads and back to him before she gave a small laugh.

“Why would you come and knock if you thought I’d be asleep?” she asked, raising her eyebrows and something of the tension in his body seemed to seep out of him as he shrugged in that casual, _Theron_ way and smiled at her.

“I know you.”

The simple words send a shower of relief over her and suddenly, she found a treacherous wetness in the corners of her eyes even as she returned that smile openly. “Yes,” she murmured, “yes, you know me.”

The urge to just run into his arms was overwhelming as their eyes locked and Jiune’s breath caught in her throat. But there was still a distance between them that seemed too big to cross, despite the hammering heartbeat in her chest that told her to just go to him. The secret she had kept all this time suddenly seemed too big to keep for herself, even though she had promised herself that she wouldn’t tell anyone, that he deserved better than that.

“Theron, there is something you need to know…” she started but the way his face changed at her words made her regret it immediately. Where it had been careful but open just a moment ago, it now closed again, the spy mask coming back on. That expression of too casual detachment and friendliness that made it hard to read him and that he always wore to protect himself. She had seen it in the beginning of their acquaintance and when he had met either of his parents. It was a mask that was hard to penetrate and even harder to get him to take off and she took a desperate step towards him.

“Theron, I am sorry,” she started pleadingly, throwing aside all the Jedi teachings that had born her over the course of the last months. And there it was, that flicker of emotion on his face that she knew she had to chase if she wanted to reach him.

“Theron, please, I really am so-” she said again but he interrupted her.

“Commander, no, it’s fine really, you don’t have to explain,” he nodded and her heart broke a bit at the use of her title. The formality was a language in itself. She stopped and took another deep breath but before she could say another word, Theron continued, “Let me just get some of my things. Koth said you had them here.”

Jiune took another step towards him, without even meaning to. “You won’t stay?” she asked, her voice barely more than a whisper. Theron cleared his throat, avoiding her eyes as he shrugged.

“I… wouldn’t want to impose on you and…” He made a vague hand gesture, looking around the room as if searching for something and not finding anything. When he didn’t continue, Jiune started again, despite the threatening tears at the thought of him leaving again so soon after she had thought she had got him back. Where the ball of happiness and excitement and sadness had sat there was now only a blackness, pulsating through every fiber in her being. Would this be the permanent goodbye she had so feared?

“Theron,” she said, urgency in her voice and unshed tears in her eyes, “if you really want to leave I won’t hold you but please let me just say - I wanted to apologize. I am so sorry for doubting you.”

That made him stop dead in his tracks and his eyes flew back to hers. “What?”

Jiune clasped her hands tightly as she looked up at him, her voice small. “I tried to believe in you. And I did! Most of the time. But there were moments where I just… wasn’t sure whether you hadn’t... betrayed me, us, after all. And I am so sorry. I shouldn’t have doubted you.”

For a moment he just stared at her. “You’re apologizing to me for doubting me? For believing my story?” he finally asked incredulously and Jiune’s shoulders sagged as she nodded unhappily. There had been many bad moments, lonely nights and unshed tears over the course of the last months, times when she had allowed the doubts to creep in, thinking that she should develop a harder shell around her heart. That she should prepare for the possibility that Theron would not come back. It hadn’t worked, she hadn’t been able to convince her heart of his treachery - but the thoughts had been there. While he had worked amidst their enemies day after day, night after night. When he deserved her unwavering trust, she had had doubts.

Theron gave small relieved laugh and Jiune blinked confusedly. Contrary to what she had expected, he did not seem mad or disappointed. Instead, there was relief on his face as he smiled, “And here I was thinking you’d tell me you found someone else.”

She pulled her brows together and shook her head, nearly sputtering in surprise. “What? No! I… no.”

The intensity in his eyes got stronger as he took a step towards her, coming to a halt directly in front of her. “Jiune, you don’t have to apologize for anything. I’m the one who has wronged you. And everyone else. I’m the one who has to ask for forgiveness. I am sorry for everything I put you through.”

She let out a breath and something of the tension inside her eased as she reached for his hand. “I won’t pretend it didn’t hurt but right now I’m just glad you’re back.” Her fingers entwined with his, the familiar feeling of his calloused fingers making her knees weak. Her eyes burned into his as she looked up again. “Are you really leaving again?”

Theron seemed unable to look away and he shook his head slowly. “Not unless you-”

She didn’t wait for him to finish the sentence before she threw her arms around his neck and kissed him. It took him just a moment to react, a half-second before his surprise was overcome and he kissed her back, before his arms were around her and he held her close, before everything outside their room (now it was _their_ room again) became irrelevant and everything that mattered was his presence and touch.


	3. Trust

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jiune may have forgiven Theron - not everyone else did. Not yet at least.

Hope was a dangerous thing as Theron had learned time and time again.

When she had smiled at him the first time, at  _him_.

When he had seen the anguish in her eyes as she rushed to save him back on Rishi.

Back when he had gotten the first report that maybe, just maybe she wasn’t dead after all the hope had nearly destroyed him. It had taken Lana weeks to calm him down again, make him rest and eat and not literally work himself to death to get more accurate reports and a definite confirmation of her imprisonment. And even after they had gotten that confirmation it had taken another two years until Lana had been ready to actually try a break-out. It had been enough time to warp his hope into black dread, especially after Jiune hadn’t answered his message despite that “read” confirmation in his data pad that screamed at him every time he looked at it.

And yet… every time his hope had been answered. By another smile, by a touch, a kiss, by happiness in her eyes and a whispered “I love you”. He hadn’t known true happiness until he had found it in the small gestures of joy and love she directed at him.

How twisted was he that it was exactly this that had made him actively cause her pain?

He remembered only too well the second that she understood the amount of his treachery. Supposed, planned, double agent-y treachery, true, but treachery nonetheless. The look of hurt in her eyes was still haunting him in his dreams.

That look was what he had kept closest to his heart in the months that followed in which he did not answer  _her_  messages, be they public or private. The slight crack in her voice as she called his name in desperation when he had closed the forcefield which enclosed both her and Lana on the exploding train had accompanied him for weeks. The way her outstretched hand had sunk down when he didn’t take it as she caught up with him on Copero.

He had used the memory of this moment to try and kill every inch of hope in his heart. He hadn’t deserved it, hadn’t dared to think about the future. She was save, that was what counted. It hadn’t worked, of course. There had been nights where he had hoped so badly to once more find his way back into her arms that his whole body and soul had hurt. These moments had been rare, however, and become less and less frequent the longer his mission, his  _treachery_  had continued. But when they had met again on Nathema, that first moment when she came around the corner and caught the first look at him, the hope had gripped him so badly that it took his breath away and he could barely keep his façade up.

Standing on the hangar of the base they had built on Odessen he still couldn’t believe that he had been given another chance. Theron had expected it to be… uncomfortable. He hadn’t expected it to be  _this_  uncomfortable. Not that he didn’t deserve it, of course. He deserved even more of their contempt and distrust. He  _deserved_  to be thrown out completely. But it seemed like Jiune had spoiled him by fulfilling his hopes time and time again - somehow the way Lana had just thrown him out of the meeting room with a snarled ‘How can I trust you?! Get out!’ when he first dared to make an appearance had hurt more than he would like to admit to himself. But he hadn’t even tried to argue, hadn’t stopped even as he heard how an argument about his general presence on the base erupted. Somehow he didn’t want to know who argued against him.

“She’s hurt,” the calm, deep voice of Arcann said next to him. Theron threw him a look but the former Emperor just looked straight ahead. After a second, Theron nodded.

“She has every right to be,” he answered with a nonchalance he didn’t feel. Arcann inclined his head.

“I am glad the Commander brought you back,” Arcann added after another moment. Theron looked at him again, curiosity in his eyes. Jiune had told him how Arcann had asked her to show Theron the same mercy she had once shown him but he still didn’t quite understand what had made him do so.

“Why?” he asked. The intensity in Arcann’s eyes when he finally turned to face him surprised him. They had never gotten to know each other very well, so the amount of emotion he could sense in the other man was new to him.

And so he was not prepared for the answer Arcann gave him. “It takes a great person and an incredible amount of bravery to risk everything one is and has to make sure the people you love are save. I respect that.”

For once, Theron’s usual sarcasm and wit escaped him and all he could do was nod mutely. Arcann somehow seemed to understand and he gave him a tight-lipped smile as he clapped him on the shoulder. “Lana will come around. Just give it time,” he said and left Theron alone to stare after him. There it was again, Theron thought and pulled his jacket closer around himself against the cool evening wind. Hope.


End file.
